Grief: Not A Stage, A Lifetime

This one is going to be a little different, friends. We’ve all been there. Someone we love loses someone they love, and we don’t know what to say or what to do. We want to be there for them, of course, but how? What’s the right way? Or the wrong way? The dos and don’ts of grief? Where is the guidebook for this?

Then, it’s someone that YOU love and you’re on the other side of it. Because now everyone is acting awkward around you, saying the same things: “It’ll get better soon.” or  “It’ll be okay.”. Or, they’re saying nothing at all but you can see it clearly in their eyes. You find yourself in this weird place of wanting to comfort them and tell them that it’s okay that they don’t know how to tell you it’s going to be okay. The fact of the matter is, it’s not going to be “okay”. At least, not for a good long while. And even when it gets close to being “okay”, it’s certainly never going to be the same.

The Stages and Steps

Honestly, regardless of what you call them, stages and/or steps, they can take a freaking hike because they are complete and utter bullshit. And, I knew that before I learned about psychology and became a counselor. There are no stages and steps because there is no “right” way to grieve. And, everyone is completely individual and different. No one rule applies to every person, case, or loss. No matter who is supporting you, that’s a road you’re going to have to navigate on your own. Don’t get me wrong, it’s imperative to have that support, but it has to be support that follows your lead. You’re the navigator here. Which sucks. Because, wow, wouldn’t it be easy if someone could just come along, grab you, and say “Come this way.” or “Follow me and I will get you through this.”? But there’s no one but you. Because your grief is your own.

But, the one thing I know is that the stages and steps do not apply to everyone. If they work for you, that’s great. However, don’t walk into it thinking you can guide yourself out of grief with them and then get upset with yourself if it doesn’t follow a timeline or a specific path.

A New Way of Life

What I have so unfortunately come to learn is that your grief never goes away. No one can tell you “Move on.”, “Get over it.”, or “Hasn’t it been long enough?”, “Isn’t it time to let this go?”. Because that is never going to be the case. My personal journey so far, because I’m only at the beginning of the never-ending road of grief, has shown me a few things. It’s provided me with an understanding and education I would honestly just rather not have. So, if this speaks to you, by all means, continue on, but I also understand if it doesn’t.

The first thing I’ve learned is that when we love someone, we add a little weight to ourselves. Which is why I think love is so scary and intimidating. Thinking of someone else, worrying about them, making time for them, and carving out this space in your life and heart that is just for them. And, when it’s just for them, if they get taken from that spot they’ve carved into your life, there isn’t anyone that can fill it. We can continue to create spaces for people we care about and build up our circle of family and friends but, each person gets their own special place within. So what happens if the person occupying it is no longer here?

You Carry It

If loving someone adds weight that we learn how to carry, then doesn’t it make sense that losing them adds more? The longer we love someone and carry that chosen weight, the easier it gets to carry. Not because it gets lighter. It’s because we get stronger and strive to carry it without struggle because loving that person is a choice.

So, when they are suddenly gone, it’s an even heavier weight to carry. It’s not one you ever would choose to either. But,  you made that space for them and chose to love them, but you didn’t choose to lose them and you didn’t choose to grieve them. Now, you’re stuck with the weight of that. Some days it’ll weigh you down so hard that you can’t get up off the floor, much less stand up straight. And it’s on those days when you lean. You let others help you in any way they can.

There is no right way to go about it. Nothing about this kind of situation is right. But, if they love you and they are going to help carry that weight, my opinion is to let them. Some days you’re going to be able to carry that weight and maybe think you’re getting stronger. That, it isn’t going to sit on your shoulders quite so heavily anymore. But, other days you’re going to feel like you just tumbled down a hill and you can’t imagine getting up and climbing back up that hill. For me, I would much rather be the person who is there for others to lean on.

The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that I can’t always give all of myself to help someone else carry their weight when I still haven’t learned how to carry my own. But maybe, if we lean on each other, we can help each other up those hills of grief. Help each other carry that weight. Because it’s never going to go away.